Sengaja buat judul blog ini dengan judul "A Long Letter to a New Me" , dengan harapan bahwa impian-impian ke depan agar terwujud satu persatu. (Nulisnya mungkin lama, awal tulisan dimulai dari awal bulan ini 🙇‍♀️) 

Kalau dipikir-pikir, kenapa ya aku tergugah menulis ini? Semoga dorongan ini memiliki energi yang cukup besar, seperti dunia paralel, ya. Dengan Butterfly effect paradoxnya. 

Harapannya juga bisa menjadi kapsul waktu yang mengabadikan momen-momen pendewasaan yang berkesan. Bagi diriku di masa depan, jika suatu saat nanti kamu membaca surat ini lagi, coba kasih tau ya, saat ini Gunung 3720 mdpl sedang buka jadwal pendakian atau enggak, karena itu merupakan impian dari dulu, yang semoga akan segera terwujud, meski tidak tau setelah surat ini ditulis, impian itu hanya terpendam atau sudah aku lakukan...

Sekarang ini aku sudah memasuki tahun baru dengan presiden baru, tapi masih dengan aku yang, sayangnya belum bertemu dengan suamiku 😂. Atau mungkin sudah pernah bertemu tapi belum bersatu? Entahlah. 

Maaf ya, nak, mungkin kamu harus sedikit lebih lama untuk lahir di dunia ini. Tapi ibu percaya, kalau rencana Allah jauh lebih indah. Tapi karena ibu ingin segera melihatmu di dunia, ibu selalu berharap untuk didekatkan segera dengan ayahmu. 

Tapi begitulah hidup, kita kerahkan usaha kita semaksimal mungkin, peluk impian kita, dan kita serahkan kepada sang Maha Kuasa. 

Demi Masa

Waktu berjalan begitu cepat, namun terkadang terasa sangat lambat. Beberapa hal sudah terlewati dan perlu dilepas. Melepaskan sesuatu yang belum sempat digenggam terasa lebih ringan. Karena pada dasarnya, genggaman yang terlalu erat dan membuat melekat membuat sakit, pada saat kita memendamnya, pun terlebih saat melepasnya. 

Hari-hari perlu kita lewati dengan berani. Meski demikian, ada titik tertentu saat ragu muncul, hingga langkah terhenti. Tapi harus diingat, meski kita sedang terhenti, waktu enggan menunggu, waktu terus berjalan. 

Sekelumit pikiran yang selalu berlalu lalang tanpa henti membuat segalanya terlihat begitu rumit. Seakan tidak ada jeda, bergemuruh dalam hati dan pikiran. Membuat ragapun akhirnya terkena imbasnya, mudah capek dan tak bersemangat. 

"Sepertinya aku harus lebih pandai mengatur riuh yang ada dalam pikiran, aku tidak mau terus menerus tenggelam dalam hal yang sebenarnya belum tentu terjadi,"

Jika kita terus berjuang mencari cahaya, lambat laun, cahaya akan memasuki tubuh. Dengan kedamaian yang aku rangkai dalam bercengkerama dengan Pencipta, perlahan, kedamaian tersebut seakan menyelimuti, walau hanya aku sisihkan sebentar waktuku untuk sang Pencipta. 

"Apakah tenang yang seperti ini, ya Allah?"

Harus kuakui bahwa, ketenangan dengan penerimaan takdir dan rasa syukur yang mendalam tidak bisa dideskripsikan dengan kata-kata. Rasa tenang yang selama ini selalu kita cari sampai menelusuri ujung bumi. Kita cari dengan berbagai bentuk kegiatan. Ternyata begitu dekat dengan kita. Bahwa Allah begitu dekat. 

"Tidak perlu risau, apa yang kita usahakan, apa yang kita harapkan, akan berujung indah pada waktunya"

Sungguh, butuh waktu yang tidak sebentar untuk benar-benar mengaplikasikan hal tersebut dengan baik. Bagai sebuah mata pisau, yang ada malah rasa malas karena tidak termotivasi, soalnya berpikir jika semua telah digariskan, namun sebetulnya kan, harus diperjuangkan dengan maksimal, baru setelah itu bertawakkal, bukan? Pelan-pelan, mari kita usahakan seperti itu, ya. 

Mengedepankan akhlak dan ilmu

Siapakah manusia favoritmu? 

Selama hidup ternyata aku jarang sekali mengidolakan penyanyi favorit atau artis favorit. Seringkali aku kagum kepada seseorang atau artis dalam sekian waktu, tapi nampaknya aku tak sampai benar-benar menjadi fans sejati. Tidak harus punya karyanya, tidak harus bertemu dengannya, atau sampai punya fandom.  

Setelah kutelisik, bukan aku yang tidak memiliki ambisi, nyatanya kalau aku sedang suka dengan mereka, akan kutelusuri karyanya, akan kubaca info tentangnya, dan akan aku ambil pelajaran yang bisa kupetik darinya, terkadang ada juga kok harapan untuk bertemu dengan mereka. Namun yang bisa aku ambil dari sikapku ini adalah, pembelajaran untuk "menyukai sesuatu dengan sekedarnya". 

Tapi, sebagai Muslim, manusia favoritku sepanjang waktu, dengan keinginan tinggi untuk bertemu, adalah Rasulullah SAW. Rasulullah diutus ke bumi untuk menjadi rahmat bagi semesta alam. Dan manusia favoritku tersebut juga ditugaskan untuk menyempurnakan akhlak. Saat kita berusaha untuk memiliki akhlak yang baik, ternyata jika aku sedang melakukan apa yang idolaku ajarkan. 

Karena untuk memiliki adab yang baik harus dengan ilmunya, maka akhlak dan ilmu sama-sama memiliki peran yang penting dalam kehidupan. Coba telaah, kan kita sebagai manusia memiliki banyak batasan dalam berbagai aspek kehidupan, seperti saat kita tidak bisa memilih siapa orang tua, tempat dilahirkan, rupa yang seperti apa, dan berbagai batasan lainnya; sehingga berbagai persoalan hidup tersebut  perlu bisa kita hadapi dengan emotional intelligence yang baik, adab yang baik, dan dengan ilmu. Atas izin Allah, berbagai persoalan hidup akan kita hadapi dengan tenang dan tak lupa mengambil pelajarannya. 

Rasa syukur adalah hal yang penting 

Pertama harus aku akui bahwa, penafsiran diri sendiri maupun orang yang kita mintai pendapat mengenai karunia dan nikmat yang telah Allah berikan terkadang salah. Beberapa contoh tidak perlu disebutkan, karena pasti ada titik dimana kita mempertanyakan, "mengapa aku, ya Allah?". Tidak jarang aku sendiri senang membanding-bandingkan dengan orang lain akan pencapaian yang mereka punya. Padahal, semua memiliki harga masing-masing. Ada sebuah perjuangan dan pengorbaan atas apa yang mereka dapat. Rasa syukur pun perlu ku gemborkan ke diri sendiri, karena apa? Karena akan ada banyak godaan yang terus menerus datang sehingga kita bisa kufur nikmat, karena setan tidak suka dengan manusia yang pandai bersyukur. 

"Syukuri apa yang sudah Allah berikan, semua orang memiliki bagiannya masing-masing, syukuri apa yang menjadi bagianku"

Meskipun saat bersyukur kita salah tafsir, contohnya saat kita tidak lolos sebuah pekerjaan, kita berpikir bahwa pekerjaan tersebut tidak baik untuk kita, ternyata tidak sepenuhnya seperti itu, siapa tahu bos pemilik usaha tersebut berdoa untuk dapat karyawan dengan spesifikasi tertentu dan memang kita belum mencapai kualifikasinya, tapi meski salah, toh benar kok, kalau memang rezekinya, kalau memang terbaik untuk kita, pekerjaan tersebut akan kita miliki. Sekali lagi perlu kuingat bahwa, 'takdir terbaik adalah yang telah kita alami'. Harus diingat ya, perlu banyak bersyukur dan belajar dari surah Ar-Rahman. 

Nikmati hidup dengan penuh tanggung jawab. 

Perbaiki solatmu 

Keteguhan iman ternyata memang perlu selalu dijaga. Satu ibadah wajib yang memiliki kekuatan ini perlu sekali aku latih terus menerus tanpa berhenti. Sebagai tiang agama, aku bersyukur bahwa sedari kecil sudah diajarkan untuk mendirikan solat. 

Tau gak diriku yang di masa lalu? Terimakasih karena tidak pernah berhenti. Aku tahu, terkadang kita mempertanyakan ke diri sendiri bahwa, apakah solatku yang masih belum ssempurna ini akan diterima oleh Allah? Akankah aku bertambah pahalanya? 

Nyatanya, tidak ada yang sia-sia. Solat itu sendiri sudah merupakan sebuah wujud kehambaan. 

To be continued... つづく

I was a bit surprised. 

Not so long ago, I got a reminder in my calendar, 

『Try a thing you haven't tried, go to a place you have never been』

Little did I know that my unconscious minds were programmed once I wrote that reminder in the first place. I didn't remember exactly when I made that reminder. 

Surprisingly, it becomes a sign for me to always live my life. Well, it's not only about fame, wealth, or materialistic things. It's about how I feel a peaceful life with gratefulness. 

I know that the storms are always coming and sometimes we can't get what we want. 

However, making a manifestation about what we want to be is a little effort that will lead us to reach our goals. 

Thus, it makes me want to share some of my journey in learning Japanese. If I make a title, it would be "How Learning Japanese Transformed Me". 

Why do I learn Japanese? 

I learn Japanese just because. 

「いや、うそでしょ!!」

Hahaha! No, I'm not kidding. A long time ago, when I was in elementary school, I remembered my first celebrity crush was a character from Tokyo Drift, Han Lue. Long story short I got crazy with Japan because of that (Even though I grew up with Japanese animations which aired on TV, such as Doraemon, Crayon Shin-chan, Detective Conan, etc). 

However, little Feni didn't know much about Japan, only having imagination about this beautiful country without any further research about it. I also didn't have a chance to learn Japanese in high school due to the Deutsch subject that I must have. 

Well, during college, I had a very busy schedule and just happened to learn Japanese a little with my German. But no improvement and stuck and simple conversation without knowing how to read the alphabet, yet I didn't do much and paused my learning for a long time... 

Then, yup! Despite the routines and workload I had to endure during my adult life, I felt something was missing. I craved for something outside my work. 

This led me to gain new experiences by making friends as many as possible. I was exchanging letters with some pen pals, and I'll let you know that, even though the encounter was short, I gained new perspectives from them, and  eventually has impact on me, which led me to learn Japanese. 

Photos sent by pals

Self-Acceptance

Exchanging perspectives more deeply, such as sharing viewpoints with strangers, makes my life brighter. There's a willingness to show my culture; well, it's unconsciously made me learn more about it. Before, I less appreciated what I had. However, it turned out to be, Yeah, my life, my home country, my culture aren't perfect, but all of them are beautiful. Just like the way I adore other countries. The diversity makes it even more beautiful. 

Without hesitation, I will learn my tradition and want the world to know, too, about our uniqueness, which may be different from what they have. Then, it was also encourage me to travel around nearby towns and see what I have here. 

I think this simple thing has led me to be grateful for what I have. I tend to compare myself with my friend's achievements, and I rush to get what I want but do not understand what my capabilities are. By doing things such as learning about my culture, exploring nearby towns, improving my skills, enjoying my hobbies and exchanging perspectives with the world... Slowly, my life changed in a better way.

 「I try to focus on what I have, rather than what's not I have」

On The Process of Learning Japanese

Long-life learning seemed to echo in my mind. I also knew that I couldn't just stand to let myself (or it's my mind) lie down. Yeah, it sounds weird, but I like studying. I also found out that my former college friends and strangers who I met, having the same vibes as me, never stopped learning. Well, my profession can't let me take a rest tho', I should always join CPD and seminars, lol 😁. 

However, it looks like starting new things, like new hobbies, is easier compared to making it sustainable. Consistency is the best way. But, just being consistent isn't enough. We know that we have an abundance of resources on YouTube, the internet, books, etc, but I can't maintain what should I grab in for certain times, sometimes I felt too much information, yet I couldn't make a conclusion, this is what I remembered from my religion teacher: you need a teacher for studying. 

I tried to meet many people on language apps, to see whether I'll find a study partner or not. But it's difficult to look for a kindred spirit. Everyone is busy with their schedule. Although a short encounter with them also motivated me to learn more, they're all great learners as they're focused on their goals and found effective ways to learn their target languages. I also met some native speakers along the way. Some of them encouraged me to stay motivated in learning Japanese. 

Long story short, I found a native Japanese who is willingly teaching me Japanese online. For the very first time, I was nervous. I haven't thinking about learning Japanese intensely, only going with the flow. I was hesitant whether I could manage to do it or not. However, learning Japanese itself is a challenge already; why I'm not continuing to do it seriously?

Then, Yeaaa It's been around 6 months already since my learning had started. I really appreciated for him making time to teach me Japanese. 

The First Package from afar (I got from my teacher, Maruoka sensei)  Almost every once a week, we do the class online. I was very surprised that teacher gives me detailed information, resources, and explanation along the studies. I can learn Japanese in a better way. During the lesson, I also really happy because I can see Japan, my dream country, directly from his perspective.  A beautiful scenery sent by my teacher I made many mistakes. Of course.  I need to be good at managing my time while still understand the lesson. It's required patience to learn a language, after all. Naturally, it taught me resilience, I can delve deeper that making mistakes during learning process is okay. By doing so, I became more forgiving of my own imperfections.  Although it's hard, I can feel small sense of victory. It's for example when I can understand my teacher speaking in Japanese, or catching some words on Animes and doramas I watch, and little bit understanding my favorite Japanese songs, even begun to sing it. These moments are small but a reminder for of how far I had come.  Little Things That Aren't A Little I came to think that, every encounter with people, isn't by accident. In the end, it leads me towards myself. I learned more about myself. I learned to be grateful with what I have, I learned to focus on my goals rather than comparing myself with people, I learned that people come and go, so I should appreciate while they're surround me, especially my families and friends.  Even I already notice that many people come and go, I'm not afraid of opening new friendship, networks, and beyond. Along the way, there are always inspiring people who introduce me for new musics, foods, even new fields I don't familiar with. Their support make me realize that,   「Learning is not a solitary journey but one the thrives on connection」 Japanese foods and store The journey of learning process doesn't always count as single and direct goals. We never know what will happen in the future. I never know that there are many beautiful things await me. There are still many places to visit, many people to meet, many stories to unfold, many opportunities to try, and many things to do. But, I should keep in mind that, in the end, these are all leading into knowing myself.  So, it's okay to do little things every day, to make a small movement, to sometimes get a pause, and at certain times you can try to run, yes, it's beautiful, it will always beautiful...

Life presents challenges at every level.

If you have found a great supporter already, don't forget to thank them.

何回でも･･･  ずっと応援するからね! No matter how many times... I'll always support you!

If you haven't found one yet, go look for support, and find help. 

And please be your own best supporter.

In frame : 

ちいかわ/ Netflix 

A friend recommended me, and I liked it right away. The simple stories and awesome characters, also the high level of cuteness help me increase my mood ☺

To the incredible girl who's standing up there, 

If no one is no longer telling you how awesome you are, 

I will. 

You're just absolutely awesome just the way you are ♡

The way you perceive the world reflects your unique outlook. 

Kindness radiates from your presence and the way you interpret the world. 

Every time I had doubts, I realized that pretending to be strong all the time was impossible. 

The passionate girl I once looked down upon, now I see you standing strong. 

You have withered any storm that comes your way.

If you need to rest, take that time, because you are the standard. 

You are meant to be loved, and you are worth it. 

It's okay to question your path, and your actions, and take pauses along the way. 

It's okay to be cautious, to grieve, to react strongly. 

Let things flow as they may. 

Time flies,

I've seen sorrow and happiness come and go. 

I've seen people walk in and out of my life. 

I've seen seasons changing over time.

Gradually, 

I've come to think of mistakes as something that let me grow. 

I've come to think about the correct amount of worry let me prepare for the next challenges. 

I've come to think the past is something that can't be changed, the future is something that I can't see, and my present day is a gift. 

Yogyakarta, 2024

The Seeker

I want to start a trail for a personal journey in search of the meaning of life.

As part of the journey of life itself, I also know that this search will not reach its final point until the end of my life.

Imperfection is also a true characteristic of me, who is an ordinary human being.  Maybe there are many biases that I only want the truth for, but I hope there are also many meanings that I can use as a guide in facing various challenges in life.

Not only personal journeys, at various intersections there will be several people who enter, who have lived for a long time or just passed by and will later become part of this search.

Apart from all that, I am sure that in my search this time, I will find God at the beginning, middle and end of the journey.  Because God is where my goal comes from.

I'm looking forward for this long journey. 

Warm regards, 

The seeker

*Disclaimer: There might be some misses along the journey, however I'll gladly learn from mistakes. 

Who's God? Why do I live?