君のいない11月

Photo by M

November without you just like a year without autumn.  Could've been this becoming a right moment to forget you..... eventually ? 

 君のいない11月— November without you

What are you doing now? 

Are you eating well? 

Does your new work treat you well? 

This silence November without your talk feels so empty. It feels like a year without autumn, where the beauty of changing colors fades away unnoticed. The usual warm from our exchange thoughts has given away to a sudden chill— just like a summer suddenly changes into a cold winter. 

This whole month is pretty tough for me, wondering the moments we're not sharing, and each unwritten messages becomes a fallen leaf, a reminder of the conversations suspended in the air. 

I'm still falling out of love with you... 

After all this time, I'm still feeling this kind of love. And I know that this is just my imagination.

Just an imaginative thought which ensures me that probably, you just could be with me. 

I couldn't bear to wait even just an hour to talk to you, 

but this time is among the longest time I didn't hear anything from you. 

Finally, was  our last conversation marked as a goodbye. 'though I couldn't call that as a goodbye. As I only remembered about your wishes, my wishes too. 

Dear you, is it really real?

But then, I realized, 

With our distances, just like me as person of the earth and you're the star,

With our gaps, just like me as the moon and you're the sun,

With our differences, 

With our circumstances. 

I don't have any idea what are you doing right now. 

I believe you're in the safest place. 

I want you to drink your nice warm tea when the weather is cold. 

I want you to be the 'only one' at your work. 

I want you to be loved. 

Such are the things, when the colors seems fade away.... in nothingness. 

In your absence, I can't barely ready to face to coldness of this world. 

Without you,

I'm nothing. 

Currently I'm learning a new phrase. Well, I'm not really good at it but this I think already describes my current feelings. 

• 寂しい：lonely
• くなるね：it's going to be
• 寂しくなるね：I'll miss you

It's likely that I'll feeling so lonely if you're not here, if we're not talking to each other, that's why I'll miss you is the best word to say that. 

I thought that would be slowly faded away

As I thought that was the last time we talked without goodbye 

Lasting remarkable story  what I called love

'tough this kind of love is what it's said unreciprocated 

For I 

Fallen too profound

In the one sided feelings

That I'm the deep down still craving memories

That I can't lies

I'm still writing letters for you,

In which it's being redirected within the time when we could arrange a viewing at least

By this unsent letters 

I could say what I want to say, 

Every letters looks like calligraphy, don't you think so?

These are all unsent letters also a sign 

I'm still falling out of love with you

As for now, we have came to the point where a distance which must be covered for millions of light years.

I know

You must be knowing more than me

It's a distance that cannot be covered in our lifetime as humans. 

"It is not the sun catch up with the moon, nor does the night outrun the day. Each is traveling in an orbit of their own." 36:40.

Even in the same galaxy but separated in their own orbit of light.

But I'm still hoping you'll write to me,

I'm still hoping you'll have a feelings for me...

Is it too much? 

A light in Paris. Photo by H.

Looking back, I think we're all living a life where we transition from one "it's ok" to another "it's ok". 

It's ok to not feeling ok. 

It's ok to feel broke for awhile. Mostly hardship are coming towards our way. It doesn't matter what day it is, it can be happening at any day. It's  a normal feeling to be sad. However, we gotta clue, 'that every hardship comes ease'. 

It's ok to have a pause. 

Sometimes life seems like a race, but don't be consumed by this. Why rushing? It's ok to be where you are now. It's a feeling where we feel can't reach specific milestone. With a pause, we can get recharged and be ready for the next journeys.

It's ok to let go. 

We can give our best efforts for something. However, it seems that we can't force to have everything we wish, we can't force someone to stay, we need to let go.

It's ok to move on. 

Don't let the past hinder our progress. It's the time to move on, to welcome new experiences. 

It's ok to feel sad. 

It's ok, just try a little bit harder day by day. We're a human with all of these weaknesses, we're human who can't foresee the future, 

How if we already know that we can't fail, don't this make us too reckless? 

 大丈夫だよ～✨

Do we live on a race? 

Are we truly living, or are we merely racing through it?

This September was the moment of quiet reflection within my own thought. 

It's sad but well said. This is a bittersweet realization because I was on a battle within my self, actually... 

There's a moment when I was feeling sad,  but then September whispered its wisdom. It reminded me that it's okay to have a pause. 

It taught me to embrace the nature of my self, so that I've decided that I will dancing to my own tune and just being me. 

Well, it's true that life seems like a race. Life can sometime expect us to follow the crowd. 

We're often told to do things in certain ways, to achieve certain milestones by specific ages, to fit in particular boxes, and march to someone's else beat. 

But,  I'm trying to let my self in a ''POMO'' (Pleasure of Missing Out) mode. 

Well, not saying that I'll leave all the social media off nor disappearing into a solitary place. It's just everything in between, about finding a balance as I'll not let my life be consumed by the fear of missing out.  

 So, I've decided that

 

The lesson I've learnt from people I admire is, they stay true to themselves.

 

Living authentically will lead me to hear the rhythm of my own's heart. 

In this kind of meaning, I'll try to recognize what I love, what I dream of, and where I want to go, and then just going for it. 

It's okay to be where I am now. 

For nothing is truly too late nor too early. 

It's not about being perfect, but it's about enjoying the dance while I'm dancing on my own tune. 

It's a journey of self-discovery, one step at a time. 

ねえ、ねえ、

I just want you to know that it's really hard not to talk to you when I want to,

... And It's equally difficult to not have the opportunity to see you when I truly need to,

... As well as not being with you when I long for you,

But you know, the hardest part is trying not to love you, 

When I already do.... 

By the way, いま何してんの?

Hahaha it's funny, eh? (笑)

I want to (try to) embrace my feelings towards you, 

and of course I have to realize,

that energy is never broken, just transferred into another form. 

I give my love energy to you, 

and I believe that,

someday I'll have and receive the same kind of energy,

even if it's not from you,

perhaps with better form, 

In a good time, 

with happiness, 

I will find my joy and I live in a peaceful life.

Honestly,

I long for a happy ending, 

with you,

but who knows that the actual happy ending for me is, 

even if our destiny couldn't meet, 

the happy ending probably knowing that I survived countless heartbreaks, unrequited loves, 

and I don't lose ability to love. 

And after every breaking, 

I wish I could realize that destiny has a different opinion, 

which doesn't resemble our dreams. 

ねえ、ねえ、あなたに会いたくて。

It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life. It made us tend to do a routine without realizing what actually we're doing. 

Sometimes we're forced to drive back, to reassure things, like I once said to myself that it's extremely important to have better understanding on what I do. 

Thankfully this August offered a reprieve, a pause button that allowed me to delve deeper into my spirituality and reconnect with the essence of my faith. 

I'm trying to resemble how this month made me feel closer to God, not for any other intention, just as a sequence of my self-compassion. So that I learned the beauty of acceptance, and ignited a fresh spark of hope for the road ahead. 

···· Epiphany ····

noun. a moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you.

Sayonara...  さよなら

I'm taking a step to say a farewell, eventually. 

I'm certain now that I'll soon forget about you.. 

At first, I believed that releasing the grip of the moments we shared would be an uphill battle. 

(Of course it did, as they deeply influenced the way I felt about you). 

This belief was rooted in the notion that, I thought I had a place of myself inside you. 

What I didn't realize was that I was just another face in the crowd of friends you held, and our conversations, though meaningful, held only fleeting presence.

How foolish of me to tightly grasp onto all the small details you shared with me. 

In fact, it remains unreciprocated... Once again...

If you were to ask me, "How are you?" 

Here I am, in the midst of a struggle. 

Now, I have realized, eventually....

That's it's one sided feelings of me. 

As I embark on a journey through the fragments of memories that time is slowly erasing.

In a world where you and I were strangers, these recollections, now fading, carry whispers of emotions and stories that I'll soon forget.

Walk beside me through the corridors of reminiscence as I whole : 

A Farewell to Forgotten  

to moments that once held significance but now linger as distant echoes.

It's gradually taking root within me—the realization that the act of forgetting is not an abrupt severing of ties, but a gradual loosening of bonds.

These memories, while once tightly wound around my heart, are gently unraveling as I come to understand that I can't hold onto what was never truly mine to begin with. 

Goodbye, dear... 

I'm making space for new experiences, new connections, and ultimately, new growth. 

Well, yea It's a long and winding journey, but I'm stepping forward with the belief that as these echoes fade, I'm paving the way for a new harmony to emerge in the symphony of my life.

A year has danced by since our paths first intertwined, yet the space between us remains far.

As time has gone by, I've found myself eager to share various aspects of my life with you. 

You've always been such a great listener, showing eagerness to engage with my narratives. 

Your enjoyment in hearing my tales and even laughing at my weirdest jokes has been source of comfort. 

Yet, my feelings for you remain distant, like an unrequited affection. 

Yet, my feelings for you remain distant, like an unrequited affection. 

Amid these enjoyable interactions, there's a shared sense of contentment in our connection.

If it doesn't arise from personal desire, it's somewhat difficult to occur...

Or if it does happen, the outcome will be different...

Have you ever noticed that often, no matter how many times we try something, if we lack the intention, it becomes difficult to accomplish?

Uhmmm well.. That's absolutely true. Especially when it's related to emotions.

Could be any emotion... 

Can we be demanded to like something?

To forget someone a.k.a moving on?

To let go of your dreams?

Well... what else, huh...

If we're being forced, It's merely hard.... 

《Force : make (someone) do something against their will》

'"Just do whatever you want to do" (from a clip of a movie... sorry, I forgot the title, hehe).

Another example, for instance, is when we advise someone in various ways, even sometimes resorting to forcing them. 

It's because we feel like we know what's best for that person. 

Like parents advising their children; or older siblings advising younger ones; forcing you partner to be like ideal partner; and so on. 

Consequently, if someone feels coerced, they won't fully comply. It's not uncommon for people to become defiant when they feel their desires aren't being met and are instead forced to do things they dislike.

Well, that's probably it. Because there are times when we also feel that way, understanding how others should be, but at the same time not wanting to be dictated to...

However, indeed, sometimes circumstances force us to let go.

By the way... often, real-life examples are the most effective advice... rather than mere words.

Our sincere hearts don't want to let them go. 

It's often said that some people will stay, but they will eventually go. 

It hurts. 

You and I have perhaps experienced a lot of pain and loss when people leave our lives. 

In some cases, it will be a very traumatic experience for people, as the idea that we had a deep bond with someone we care about. 

And when that person decides to walk out of our life, we feel abandoned. 

And we could understand that these kinds of grief aren't the same. 

We don't meet people by accident. 

I believe that people don't meet by accident.

They come to us for the time being, and when their time's up, they need to go to another chapter of others people's life. 

At least, we all know that many relationships can change or end dramatically. 

So, we should wonder if it's worth using up our energy trying to understand other people's reason for going?

Instead, we can think that although people will not stay forever, they come across to help us grow. 

Their presence creates a lasting remark on us forever. 

There are so many memories that lie within ourselves from the people in the past. 

And it's somehow comforting to know there are so many lives you're still a part of that you have no idea about. 

There are some fragments which are entangled with all the people we've met. 

I hope that I can leave a lasting piece of myself in the people that I've loved and have loved me.